Missing Confessions

Poems written between falling apart and learning, slowly, how to put myself back together.

"I will love again and again,
for no love is given in vain." from Phantom, written in the fourth period

These pages hold about three years of handwriting turned into type. I've split them into five periods, though I didn't plan it that way — looking back, each one really was its own season, not just a batch of writing.

The earliest poems came out of a relationship that felt like a slow drowning. The ones after that came from grief, from silence, from a few people who were kind to me when I didn't expect it. The most recent ones came from something closer to peace.

What follows is a small selection — the poems I'd hand you first if we only had a few minutes. There are thirty-seven more further down, still waiting.

Thank you for reading any of it at all.

First period, late 2023 to early 2024

Bestow

Spring blooms, the books on her shelf renew Her prosperous hand offers precious sand Soft and kind, it eases my mind She's my moon and stars, such beautiful remark Summer cries, I kiss her lips goodbye I'm in defeat, but for her I'd die Such love I cannot recreate Such eyes won't dissipate Films and kids, washing dishes is our little wish Winter's nights, I'll treat you right Carry you to bed, maybe love you instead Covered in music, our love is cupid Crows and leaves, we intertwine and feel

I wanted it to feel easy on the tongue, simple to read — but still carrying a sort of sad romance underneath.

Second period, summer of 2024

Mist

An everblooming tree Bestows its Sakura leaves Such grace cannot be seen Her eyes were once a dream That voice was meant to be I'll hold her so gently A love from such a scene A book that writes and reads She sings what may materialize It's companionship without disguise She tends to the weakest of hearts Offering rice to ease their depart Spirits rush to her call What sadness might she resolve? A comfort that speaks to my soul I will cherish her forevermore

Written the same day as another poem, both borrowing the quiet, devotional feeling I found in "Sekiro."

Third period, late 2024 to early 2025

Kepler's Orbit

At death's door I see Saturn Her gentle smile is my lantern My flowing tears halt and clear A golden hand encapsulates my past This poor child is home at last What great sin it must have been To see it all and still go forth To know of my despair, no soul declares Thus here I remain A boy losing his favourite game Oh Pluto's man You've earned my thanks To walk a road of no remorse Why go through it all if you're a simple soul? "To breathe in life," I say to strife Yet no words tend to my resolve And so I march, with a wound to the heart Fragile hands grasp my departing eyes A lady has come to see to my cries Her soft lullaby caresses my soul "Endure the night, for no sword carries fright." And so for her and her alone, I must go to see my throne

One of the most influential poems I've written in this whole collection — the child, the boy, and the man are all me, at different ages, in the same body.

Dawn

Purely fated to be tolerated What once fought, now irritated The man's eyes, illuminated The boy's hands, incinerated The child's soul, encapsulated An accord was made to stay in vain My frigid mind was to endure this night To honour my part, a mission to embark For my lady's delight, I'd see to this fright My only comfort, she's my true consort I sit upon my shattered songs These fragile bones won't pursue anymore The sunset I longed has since been told To scour my thoughts, I sought in remorse There she stood, too captivating to look My lady's hand, her softened grasp Rest at ease, you've seen to my needs

Next to everything around it, this one feels beautiful and peaceful. I'll let it speak for itself.

Yogurt

Beneath the silver moon so bright Each spoonful lingers, soft and light My thoughts fought through, with all my might I'm saddened but hopeful, for you're my delight No soul will falter if our love holds true Even in distance, our crops bare fruit Flavour settles as time marches forth Only to reveal our patience holding on Resolved and willed, I venture within Every instance of bliss, your absence amiss Verily, you're at my mercy Engraved in my soul, my chest is empty Return to me, when I am worthy

read the first letter of every line

Satisfyingly romantic to me — a confrontation of melancholy with a resolve to go forth anyway.

Fourth period, middle of 2025 to late 2025

Phantom

I will love again and again For no love is given in vain I will cherish these moments as it may Be my warmth when I leave this place Set your heart ablaze Your essence keeps my world at bay The days will sway, and your heart may break But you'll learn to love again The kindness lingers and washes the pain away The silence is my banner A shade I fonder, I seek it in my manners The quietness is shattered, our love has been tampered But regardless, you remain my lantern As I wait for you, I embrace the phantom

One of my best, I think — it feels like a breath of fresh air after so much torment.

Fifth period, late 2025 to early 2026

Unconditional

i hesitate to explain the feelings i have to free myself of all the chains yet if i were to relearn it all again i'd choose you to be my lover i'd let go of all my hate thus i strive for all my prayers i ravage amidst the blizzard i move towards my fate it's never too late, to nourish the love i have to envision a life without weight and if i were to break i'd pick the pieces once more i'd rebuild myself whole again i wish you were there to brush through my hair and whisper my name so i carry the love i have i take it to our awaited place it takes drive to be this way it needs discipline to stay in place so no matter the hardship i will smile at the sight of day.

I love this one, and hope my future work can mirror it. It's fragile, and it says how I feel about myself more honestly than most.

Steady

I'll fall short forever, It almost seems as if I'll never be the one who puts on your sweater, let me hold you so I may remember the tears I've spent and the days I couldn't surrender. I may shy away, but I assure you your call will be answered without delay. I am in a haze, for my love has never seen such beauty, such grace. my mind, a heap of thoughts. the strings of sanity draw thin yet my hands reach the surface, for it was you who taught me how to swim. it seems the wait was worth it, to be loved by lips that feel mine, to put down the weight and cherish the days I've lived.

Honestly, this one is on another level. I still surprise myself with it sometimes.

The rest of the story

There are thirty-seven more poems in this collection — the ones written on the nights I didn't show anyone. They're presented in full, in order, exactly as I wrote them, alongside the notes I kept on each one.

First period

Pierce · Disbelief · Biscuits · Coffee · Gaze

Second period

Letter · Melancholy · Late · Vow · New-born · Plea · Speak · To Beg

Third period

Echoes · Iron Oxide · Breeze · Wrath · Lavender

Fourth period

Empathy · Grace · Embrace · Drowse · Endeavor · Bleed · Summit · Soar · Cling · Orchestrator · Obsidian

Fifth period

Tide · Descend · Spear · Surge · Sweet · Signature · Antidote · Entertainer

$12the full collection, 45 poems

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